Taking the Plunge - Facing Fear
In yoga philosophy, there are five afflictions (Kleshas) or disturbances of our mind and cause us suffering. Everyone experiences them; however, the afflictions keep us from living our “best life,” or living as our fullest and truest Self. One of the afflictions is abhinivesa – clinging to our body, a fear of death. It can also be interpreted as a fear of change, or general fear.
We all as individuals fear something – objects, activities, situations, people, the past repeating itself, the future, etc. It is easy to avoid the things that cause anxiety, fear or take us outside our comfort zone. We can hide behind a screen and avoid those difficult conversations or actions. I am one of those people who found it easier to run from my problems rather than face them. I feared feeling and being uncomfortable.
I grew up with the privilege of skiing and snowboarding for several seasons. However, one event changed my life forever. In 2010, after several seasons away from snowboarding, I joined my best friend at a local ski hill for an afternoon of fun. I was practicing carving and was getting into the groove. While carving back and fourth down a green hill, I felt this amazing connection with the myself! The most I have felt on a snowboard in fact – until my snowboard slid on a patch of ice and I fell HARD on my left shoulder. The rest of the day is sort of a blur. I could not move off the ground and knew something was wrong. Someone came to the rescue and grabbed the ski patrol. My friend and her boyfriend met up with me and we were transported to the ski patrol room. They cut thru my shirt and told me to go to the hospital. That slippery maneuver left me with a dislocated left shoulder and shattered bone. Within a few days, I had surgery on the shoulder that left a plate and nine pins holding it together.
After that accident, I was fortunate to heal very quickly (thank you yoga!) but remained extremely cautious with the shoulder for the next decade. I would avoid anything that could potentially jeopardize the integrity of my bionic shoulder. This included activities like handstands in yoga, rowing and (of course) skiing and snowboarding. My bunny hops to a handstand were half-hearted. Other people pulled more of the weight when canoeing together. My snowboard was quickly sold and never replaced. Looking back, I had no idea how much I was unnecessarily limiting myself and how many opportunities I was missing out on.
In his book Light on Yoga, B.K.S. Iyengar says “The best way to overcome fear is to face with equanimity the situation of which one is afraid.” Iyengar is saying we need to be open to the prospect of failing or being rejected or change. We should remember that change is the only constant in life. If you want to follow the traditional and spiritual path of yoga, you must work on letting go of your fear by giving up the illusory security of the “known” and step forward into the unknown.
Several days into 2020, after almost a decade of fearing handstands, I took a leap of faith (literally) and signed up for a handstand workshop. During the workshop I was too afraid to put all the weight in my hands and risk potentially injuring on my left shoulder. Although I gained the knowledge of how to safely perform a handstand, I gave my fear and anxiety the steering wheel. However, several practices later, I got into the yoga groove, let go of my fear and was upside down before I knew it!! It was an incredible feeling to release the fear, take a deep breath and face the challenge.
This year, I faced another fear of mine. My boyfriend was celebrating a special birthday and was in charge of determining where we would take our vacation. He choose..
(drumroll)..
Skiing in Idaho.
Now, that is an activity and destination I never would have picked! I imagined a sunny beach in Florida or southwest of the mitten. Although there was initial resistance on my end, I eventually started packing for snow. It was the correct time in my life to step into my brand new ski boots and give it another try.
We spent two glorious, challenging, frustrating, exhilarating and exhausting weeks out west. My emotions flipped between FEARFUL, excited, happy, blissful, open, grateful, accepting, annoyed, frustrated, angry, scared and indifferent. I screamed. I cried. I laughed. I smiled. I grinned from ear-to-ear. I prayed to the universe. Each day was unique.
The moments I experienced the most anxiety/fear while skiing included:
Slipping on ice every day
Falling in front of anyone multiple times
Day four – falling and twisting my right knee…
Then falling again and twisting my right ankle AND knee that same day
Going down the icy tracks
Going down black diamonds at the top of the mountain
Going down black diamonds that were icy
Getting temporarily stuck in fear in the middle of an icy black diamond and sliding down half the hill
Preparing for the ski lift to swoop us up (the first week)
The three mantras/sayings I kept telling myself throughout the trip that helped me to face these fears are:
1) I have to get down the hill, no matter what!
2) Everyone falls. I am going to fall, but I am going to get back up.
3) Give myself grace. This is my first real ski trip. Everyone starts somewhere.
These three mantras/sayings saved me multiple times from having complete break-downs, giving up for the day or the trip altogether. Although I could not control the weather, the conditions of the mountain or my body, I could control my attitude and emotions.
When we allow our fear to take the wheel, we allow emotions to control our mind. We live in fear, and therefore, we are not living. Being consumed by fear can be dangerous to your physical body in yoga, skiing and other physical activities.
When we take control of the wheel and kick fear out of the car, we allow ourselves to live. We put trust in ourselves to rise to the occasion and handle the difficult situations with an open mind. We may surprise ourselves with how well can do this and will learn from the experience. For instance, I learned:
I CAN get down the run each and every time
I am strong
I am in control of my body
I am in control of my emotions
I am capable of whatever the mountain or weather throws at me
I can recover from a stumble, slip or fall
I can ski down black diamonds!
Linking breath and movement helps the turns seem like a dance
Skiing alone without music is like meditation
I CAN SKI!
This was one of the best vacations and experiences I have ever had. I am grateful the practice of yoga helped open my mind and heart. I am grateful that yoga provided me with enhanced balance, stability and strength to quickly adjust to skiing. I am grateful for the support the universe has provided to help conquer my fear.
What fears are you trying to overcome in 2021?